The Pitiful Pile of Puns

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* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. . . . . proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

* Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

* A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

* A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge. "

* Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

* When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

* A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

* A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

* A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

* Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

* Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

* There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

* This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict. "His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!

* A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

* A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

* Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

* Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

* A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see that her name is is Patricia Whack. He says, "Ms. Whack, I 'd like to take out a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name, and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial sum and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can us as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there that claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

* Some friars were behind on the belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest, toughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so -- thereby proving that....... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

* Le theif... Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

* The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

* Melting Silver... The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

* Mathematics... There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, ... thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

* A Dog Named Mace... A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

* Rooster Bells... Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters. The roosters were there for one purpose-to fertilize the eggs. Uncle John kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot to be cooked for supper. The unfortunate victims were then replaced by another, hopefully, more productive candidate. Now this took an enormous amount of time. So when Uncle John found a set of eight tiny bells (that each rang a different tone), he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and yet as Uncle John sat listening, Brewster's bell did not ring at all that morning. He went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. But Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

* Doughboy Dead at 71... Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

* Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

* A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

* A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

* Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the _expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"

* A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

* An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."

* A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

* There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippo- potamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

* Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

* Banning the bra was a big flop.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

* Two peanuts walk into a bar, One was a salted.

* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

* A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

* A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

* Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

* Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"

* "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

* Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

* A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

* Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

* A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

* I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

* My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

* I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

* Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

* Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive" BR>

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