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4:59 AM 07/22/2011 Man, it's been a while since ANYBODY has sent me ANYTHING... I guess it's just hard find something to laugh at these days... Try this: * Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. . . . . proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. * Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. * A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. " * A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge. " * Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" * When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. * A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." * more if you click this link... 5:13 AM 4/19/2011 A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"? The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this. "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.? "Holy moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock! He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you." She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!" A blonde woman is talking to her blonde friend about her love life."I am 45 yrs old and met a 15 year-old boy. I think I love him. "The friend says "You can't date him. Not only is he only 15, you're three times his age! But, if you wait 15 years, you'll be 60, he'll be 30, and then you'll only be twice his age." The blonde looks a little bewildered and says, "Wow...how long will I have to wait until we're the same age?" A passenger in a hired limousine leaned over to ask the driver for the time and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver shrieked, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the limousine. Then the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly. The driver replied, "No, no. I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years." 5:51 AM 03/23/2011 We kind of did this as a joke one year and then found the following year, two of our items where on the menu. Do you like the fired Twinkies and Snicker bars? You’re welcome.... KIDDING!!! Here’s a list of possible “new” food ideas for the South Texas State Fair this year.... No particular order or digestibleness... * Fried Marshmallow Pizza (Mmmm… creamy) * Carmel Bacon Tacos (it has a certain chewy crunch thing going on) * Turkey Milk Shakes (works with both meat and dairy) * Venison Hot Pockets (for the wild game hunter in us all) * Gumbo on a Stick (one year, I’m going to figure this one out… we’ll all be rich!) * Chocolate Dipped Chicken Legs (just melts in your mouth) * Onion Funnel Cakes (Think of it as a giant hush puppy) * Pork Fried Rice Balls (big, portable, boudain!) * Yard-Long Hot Dogs (like three ‘footlongs for the whole family) * Mashed Potatoes and Brown Gravy Pistolettes (maybe throw some bacon bits in there, too) * Sausage Flavored Popcorn (you thought the butter was greasy, whew!) 5:56 AM 03/14/2011 YOU MIGHT LIVE IN CALCASIEU PARISH IF... * The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass. * You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!" * Every so often, you have waterfront property. * When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee. * When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"! * Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under. * You've ever had Community Coffee. * You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya,) * You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house. * You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. * The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad. * You know the definition of "dressed". * You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop. * The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake. * The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO. * You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off. * You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something". * You go by "ya-mom-en-`dems" on Good Friday for family supper. * You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday. * You don't realize until high school what a "county" is. * You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads. * You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors) * You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people refer to as windbreakers) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads. * Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled. * You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team. * You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs. * You describe a color as "K&B Purple". * You like your rice and politics dirty. * When given the choice for Governor between a KKK leader and Edwin Edwards, it's a difficult decision. * You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods. * You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins". * A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat. * You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway. * You prefer skiing on the bayou. * You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard. * You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana. 04:50 AM 02/28/2011 Cowboy rules for: Arizona, California,Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: 1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish. 16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline. OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use..... The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants! That would be 15 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down..... Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders.... When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan .... Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military.... Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...... After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country..... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. ...... If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved..... |
