I started a list... Free things to do in Beaumont...
Read old computer manuals found in the dumpster out back.
Daydream about the shapes coming out of the local refinery smoke stacks.
Count the number of cars driving by with visible duct tape on their exteriors.
Re Create a scene from your favorite movie with found card board.
Compete with friends to see who can find the most pennies n a parking lot.
Make wind chimes using found shards of glass and dental floss.
Go to the park and see who can pretend to be a tree the longest.
Start a class teaching your own martial arts fighting style.
Arrange the rocks you find in front of your house from smallest to largest.
Make up “Knock-knock” jokes using an animal as the punch-line.
Get a friend to stand and stare into the sky, then count the number of people who are tiring to see what he’s looking at.
Wrap your head in Tin Foil and sit in a mall rest area waiting for someone to notice.
Count the number of people at the mall wearing “unnecessary sunglasses”.
Aphorism: A short, pointed sentence expressing a wise or clever observation or a general truth; adage.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
20. Always be you because the people that matter, don't mind. And the one's that do mind don't matter.
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8.A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house..
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, dads just work at work..
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
FROM THE EMAIL...
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.
We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49..23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa,swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc ... Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays or a synagogue ride on Saturdays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn , or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
T V broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service... The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...
...You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave..
...You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
...You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
...You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
...Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
...You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
...Every commercial on television has a web -site at the bottom of the screen.
...Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
...You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee
...You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
...You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
...Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
If you are new to this list, or just bored enough to read this, you might know I collect "personal philosophies"...
you can read more of them here... Otherwise, here's a new sample...
"The Ishkabibble Inn"
"Aging Beauty Queens of KYKR"
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were,,, in the middle of the road shaking hands,,,when a truck hit us."
More Things you Probably Didn't Need to Know...
1. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
2. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
3. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.
4. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.
5. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.
6. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.
7. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.
8. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.
9. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.
10. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.
11. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.
12. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.
13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.
14. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.
15. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
16. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.
17. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
18. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired, "Lord, where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That is the State of Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."
God smiled, "Look here. There’s Washington DC . Wait until you see the idiots I put there!!"
04:33 04/14/2010::: Dangit! Nobody sends me any good jokes anymore... I get one more chain letter, I may have to hurt someone...
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM NEVADA COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 150-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers, and prospered. Some years later, they chatted
after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you
know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was
worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just
Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift... The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
If you are new to this list, or just bored enough to read this, you might know I collect "personal philosophies"...
you can read more of them here... Otherwise, here's a sample...
"That's the beauty of the system"...
"'Just such a wonderful person..."
"Can't lose for losing..."
"She's a good waste of D.N.A..."
"You're such a playboy-party, stud-monkey...."
For those of you who have never traveled to the West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the cattle will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their hooves caught between the rails.
A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately.
Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten him out, Vice-President Joe Biden intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage
in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms. Pelosi and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but
will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever
speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one
little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her...
08:05 03/02/2010 Lame... but funny...
During a recent password audit, it was found that this blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long… and include at least one capital.
07:50 02/22/2010 Great Start to the week...
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,Got married last month. Husband knows everything..
"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now - too many security cameras."
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon this huge hole in the ground. They approach it and were amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something in there and listen for how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission over here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and have a listen".
So they pick it up and carry it over to the hole, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, it jumps in head first!
while they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible...... I had him chained to a transmission!
and another one for ya'...
A heartwarming story.
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big boobs."
IMPORTANT EMAIL!!! @ 14:25 01/05/2010
Top 25 Dog and Cat Names of 2009
1. Doogie Schnauzer MD
2. Sargent Sausage
3. I am Sparticus
5. Angus Sir Loin
6. Bam-bam Noodle Butt
7. Mouse Meat
9. Kanye East
10. Inspector Foo Foo
11. Obama Dog
12. Obama Cat
13. Snag L. Tooth
14. Clawed Monet
15. Velvet Elvis
16. Eartha Kitty
17. Blue Man Chew
19. Thurson Picklesworth III
22. Polly Prissypants
24. Buscuit Head
From the email... @ 14:29 12/15/2009
CORPORATE SHAKE-UP: If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a
wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that
he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back
in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A man was driving through town, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
A great email...
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.