|
4:03 AM 1/15/2014 MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON Written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance... 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. Your most obedient servant, Wellington As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband. "What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged. "I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier." A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart condition, but I wouldn't worry about it." "Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either." Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!" 4:45 AM 11/03/2013 My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over. I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and twisted my ankle. When I limped into the kitchen, covered in dust and blood, my wife took one look and said, "Are those your good pants?" Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left. "All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep. "Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear. "Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!" 5:05 AM 09/02/2013 An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants. A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back. "Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!" I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated." Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer. I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?" She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?" 2:19 AM 07/21/2013 When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus. A teenage boy to his father... "Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished high school." --Charles Almon in The Wall Street Journal "I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only eight minutes." -Steven Wright The best illustration of the value of brief speech was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was goingto contribute fifty dollars... after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars...after a half hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars. At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!" 4:01 AM 05/05/2013 When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. "How much do you want for the trees?" a young man asked. A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?" More examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests [these absolutely slay me]: 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N." 8:01 AM 03/01/2013 This happened to an Englishman in France who was caught on the road drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a couple bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving...on the other side?" Recently one Congressman from a Bible Belt congressional district was asked about his attitude toward whiskey. The politician responded, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it." He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. "This is my position and I will not compromise." 9:24 AM 09/09/2012 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT CLASS Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! 7:31 PM 08/22/2012 HOW ABOUT AN UPDATE???? After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf." There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! STUFF TO THINK ABOUT... I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. PMS jokes aren't funny; period! Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have mysteriously vanished. Now the police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crapes. Velcro what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh dear! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. 1:15 AM 05/28/2012 My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I'm still looking for a place to live. 2:00 AM 04/30/2012 MODERN ZEN 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you pass wind. 4. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass – then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. --- I was in a local pub this past Saturday night. Had a few....and I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so (being the friendly guy that I am) I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them chirped: "It's WALES, you idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember... --- Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, Did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'" 5:33 AM 03/29/2012 'Proving that I am actaully, still alive... a new set of jokes!! A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' A manwas telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' One more. . .! A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 04:59 09/06/2011 The Origin of The Internet> You might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story … In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?" And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP) But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE) And that is how it all began. 8:31PM 08/18/2011 The recession has hit everybody really hard... My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or Them. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally.... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. 03:58 08/17/2011 The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning." 5:02 AM 08/11/2011 An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here? The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go. ANOTHER ONE... An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!" 4:59 AM 07/22/2011 Man, it's been a while since ANYBODY has sent me ANYTHING... I guess it's just hard find something to laugh at these days... Try this: * Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. . . . . proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. * Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. * A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. " * A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge. " * Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" * When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. * A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." * more if you click this link... 5:13 AM 4/19/2011 A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"? The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this. "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.? "Holy moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock! He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you." She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!" A blonde woman is talking to her blonde friend about her love life."I am 45 yrs old and met a 15 year-old boy. I think I love him. "The friend says "You can't date him. Not only is he only 15, you're three times his age! But, if you wait 15 years, you'll be 60, he'll be 30, and then you'll only be twice his age." The blonde looks a little bewildered and says, "Wow...how long will I have to wait until we're the same age?" A passenger in a hired limousine leaned over to ask the driver for the time and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver shrieked, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the limousine. Then the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly. The driver replied, "No, no. I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years." 5:51 AM 03/23/2011 We kind of did this as a joke one year and then found the following year, two of our items where on the menu. Do you like the fired Twinkies and Snicker bars? You’re welcome.... KIDDING!!! Here’s a list of possible “new” food ideas for the South Texas State Fair this year.... No particular order or digestibleness... * Fried Marshmallow Pizza (Mmmm… creamy) * Carmel Bacon Tacos (it has a certain chewy crunch thing going on) * Turkey Milk Shakes (works with both meat and dairy) * Venison Hot Pockets (for the wild game hunter in us all) * Gumbo on a Stick (one year, I’m going to figure this one out… we’ll all be rich!) * Chocolate Dipped Chicken Legs (just melts in your mouth) * Onion Funnel Cakes (Think of it as a giant hush puppy) * Pork Fried Rice Balls (big, portable, boudain!) * Yard-Long Hot Dogs (like three ‘footlongs for the whole family) * Mashed Potatoes and Brown Gravy Pistolettes (maybe throw some bacon bits in there, too) * Sausage Flavored Popcorn (you thought the butter was greasy, whew!) 5:56 AM 03/14/2011 YOU MIGHT LIVE IN CALCASIEU PARISH IF... * The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass. * You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!" * Every so often, you have waterfront property. * When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee. * When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"! * Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under. * You've ever had Community Coffee. * You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya,) * You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house. * You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. * The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad. * You know the definition of "dressed". * You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop. * The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake. * The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO. * You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off. * You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something". * You go by "ya-mom-en-`dems" on Good Friday for family supper. * You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday. * You don't realize until high school what a "county" is. * You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads. * You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors) * You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people refer to as windbreakers) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads. * Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled. * You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team. * You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs. * You describe a color as "K&B Purple". * You like your rice and politics dirty. * When given the choice for Governor between a KKK leader and Edwin Edwards, it's a difficult decision. * You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods. * You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins". * A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat. * You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway. * You prefer skiing on the bayou. * You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard. * You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana. 04:50 AM 02/28/2011 Cowboy rules for: Arizona, California,Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: 1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish. 16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline. OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use..... The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants! That would be 15 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down..... Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders.... When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan .... Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military.... Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...... After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country..... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. ...... If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved..... |