MOTTOS TO LIVE BY 

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
- He who hesitates is probably right. 
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
- No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. 
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. 
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. 
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 
- Two wrongs are only the beginning. 
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. 
- A fool and his money are soon partying. 
- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. 
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. 
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands. 
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." 
- Death to all fanatics! 
- Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo. 
- Don't be sexist; broads hate that! 
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. 
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. 
- Beware of geeks bearing gifts. 
- Half the people you know are below average. 
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.