** The 14th List of Concepts ** Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How do I set my laser printer on stun? How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? What happens when none of your bees wax? Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live? Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts - but as mattresses? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Is Atheism is a nonprophet organization? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands... I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Everybody repeat after me... We are all individuals. Death to all fanatics. Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.