06:50 AM 02/25/2011
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, clipping my nails.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's pretty near perfect."
And then the fight started....
5:10 AM 02/14/2011
After sleeping through January, Dave sends me, Quotations for Curmudgeons
There are people who have an appetite for grief; pleasure is not strong enough and they crave pain. They have mithridatic stomachs which must be fed on poisoned bread, natures so doomed that no prosperity can sooth their ragged and dishevelled desolation. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. ~Edgar A. Shoaff
It is not a fragrant world. ~Raymond Chandler
I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end. ~Fred Couples
I love mankind - it's people I can't stand. ~Charles M. Schulz, Go Fly a Kite, Charlie Brown
Sarcasm is the sour cream of wit. ~Author Unknown
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death. ~Fran Lebowitz
A cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. ~Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1893
I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them. ~W. Somerset Maugham
[I] put the question directly to myself: "Suppose that all your objects in life were realized; that all the changes in institutions and opinions which you are looking forward to, could be completely effected at this very instant: would this be a great joy and happiness to you?" And an irrepressible self-consciousness distinctly answered, "No!" ~John Stuart Mill, Autobiography, 1909
When we are born, we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools. ~William Shakespeare, King Lear
Oh for a lodge in some vast wilderness,
Some boundless contiguity of shade,
Where rumour of oppression and deceit,
Of unsuccessful or successful war,
Might never reach me more.
Life is one long process of getting tired. ~Samuel Butler
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own. ~Jonathan Swift, The Battle of the Books, 1704
Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied by drink. ~Mark Twain, Note-Book, 1935
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? Is it because we are not the person involved? ~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. ~George Bernard Shaw
Nothing is more miserable than man,
Of all upon the earth that breathes and creeps.
Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew. ~William Shakespeare, Hamlet
I hate to be near the sea, and to hear it raging and roaring like a wild beast in its den. It puts me in mind of the everlasting efforts of the human mind, struggling to be free and ending just where it began. ~William Hazlitt
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. ~G.K. Chesterton
Not to be born at all would be the best thing for man, never to behold the sun's scorching rays; but if one is born, then one is to press as quickly as possible to the portals of Hades, and rest there under the earth. ~Thiognis
We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion, just as effectively as by bombs. ~Kenneth Clark
Men hate to be misunderstood, and to be understood makes them furious. ~Edgar Saltus
Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse. ~Bill Press
I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left. ~Voltaire
He had the uneasy manner of a man who is not among his own kind, and who has not seen enough of the world to feel that all people are in some sense his own kind. ~Willa Cather
We semaphore from ship to ship, but they're sinking, too. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Nothing begins, and nothing ends, that is not paid with moan; for we are born in other's pain, and perish in our own. ~Francis Thompson
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. ~Ernest Hemingway (Thanks, Schanna)
Sometimes you wake up in the morning and wish your parents had never met. ~Bill Fitch
We are adhering to life now with our last muscle - the heart. ~Djuna Barnes
The dignity of man lies in his ability to face reality in all its meaninglessness. ~Martin Esslin
[T]he army of wrongness rampant in the world might as well march over me. ~Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's, 1958
I see it all perfectly: there are two possibilities, one can either do this or do that. My honest opinion and friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it, you will regret both. ~Kierkegaard
Comfort, or revelation: God owes us one of these, but surely not both. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Janie's a pretty typical teenager - angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her. ~Alan Ball, American Beauty, 1999
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. ~Fred Allen
You're obliged to pretend respect for people and institutions you think absurd. You live attached in a cowardly fashion to moral and social conventions you despise, condemn, and know lack all foundation. It is that permanent contradiction between your ideas and desires and all the dead formalities and vain pretenses of your civilization which makes you sad, troubled and unbalanced. In that intolerable conflict you lose all joy of life and all feeling of personality, because at every moment they suppress and restrain and check the free play of your powers. That's the poisoned and mortal wound of the civilized world. ~Octave Mirbeau, Torture Garden
Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret. ~Benjamin Disraeli, Coningsby
I would ask something more of this world, if it had something more. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
Happy endings are only stories that haven't finished yet. ~Simon Kinberg, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
It must be admitted that there are some parts of the soul which we must entirely paralyze before we can live happily in this world. ~Sébastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort
To have seen better days, as who has not
Who has seen yesterday?
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, Werner
Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows. ~David T. Wolf
The only thing that could spoil a day was people. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself. ~Ernest Hemingway
That I could clamber to the frozen moon
And draw the ladder after me.
I do not believe in revealed religion - I will have nothing to do with your immortality; we are miserable enough in this life, without speculating on another. ~Lord Byron, 1778-1824, letter to Rev. Francis Hodgson, 1811
The mad are happy, the sane ignorant; those of us stuck on the sane side of madness or the mad fringe of sanity are in a purgatorial cage. ~Anonymous
Many of us go through life feeling as an actor might feel who does not like his part, and does not believe in the play. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
If there be a hell upon earth, it is to be found in a melancholy man's heart. ~Robert Burton, The Anatomy of Melancholy
My heart is glass, daily shattered. ~Jaesse Tyler
The enthusiastic, to those who are not, are always something of a trial. ~Alban Goodier
All our lives we are putting pennies - our most golden pennies - into penny-in-the-slot machines that are almost always empty. ~Logan Pearsall Smith
I never knew whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
Man is the cruelest animal. At tragedies, bullfights, and crucifixions he has so far felt best on earth; and when he invented hell for himself, behold, that was his very heaven. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra, 1892
Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth. ~Horace Walpole
Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the crimes, follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women. ~Lemony Snicket
I grieve for life's bright promise, just shown and then withdrawn. ~William Cullen Bryant
Medvedénko: "Why do you always wear black?"
Masha: "I am in mourning for my life."
~Anton Chekhov, The Seagull
There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing. ~Maya Angelou, PBS, 28 March 1988
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. ~Peter McArthur
How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise and of good will. ~Albert Einstein
God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows through. ~Paul Valéry, Mauvaises pensées et autres, 1942
Nowadays most men lead lives of noisy desperation. ~James Thurber, Further Fables for Our Time, 1956
This world is gradually becoming a place
Where I do not care to be any more.
Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps. ~Lemony Snicket
The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs. ~Charles de Gaulle
All my joys to this are folly,
Naught so sweet as melancholy.
~Robert Burton, The Anatomy of Melancholy, 1651
You have come into a hard world. I know of only one easy place in it, and that is the grave. ~Henry Ward Beecher
Paradoxical as it sounds, many intellectuals prefer life in the mud to life in clear water. ~Martin H. Fischer
It's just life - wake up and smell the thorns. ~From the movie Meet Joe Black
I had a lover's quarrel with the world. ~Robert Frost, The Lesson for Today, 1942
Johnny thinks he's old...
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party.... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Since seniors are texting and tweeting more and more there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
ATD ~ At The Doctor's
BFF ~ Best Friend Farted
BTW ~ Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT ~ Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM ~ Covered By Medicare
CUATSC ~ See You At The Senior Center
DWI ~ Driving While Incontinent
FWBB ~ Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW ~ Forgot Where I Was
FYI ~ Found Your Insulin
GGLKI ~ Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGPBL ~ Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA ~ Got Heartburn Again
HGBM ~ Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO ~ Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO ~ Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL ~ Living On Lipitor
LWO ~ Lawrence Welk's On
NCDCWPH ~ Never confuse denture cream with preparation H
OMMR ~ On My Massage Recliner
OMSG ~ Oh My! Sorry, Gas!
ROFL-CGU ~ Rolling On The Floor Laughing-Can't Get Up
SGGP ~ Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL ~ Talk To You Louder
WAITT ~ Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA ~ Wet The Furniture Again
WTP ~ Where's The Prunes?
WWNO ~ Walker Wheels Need Oil
6:31 AM 12/28/2010
Derrick has had a bunch of jobs...
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, But I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, But just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, But wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, But that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, But just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, But any way I sliced it.... Couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, But eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, But didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, But discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, But the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, But they said I wasn't fit for the job..
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, But had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT, AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
06:25 AM 12/21/2010
Eating Tips for The Holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!
03:50 AM 12/09/2010
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady puffing on a cigar,
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice
big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every
week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, and I
don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
Forty," she replied
05:23 AM 11/22/2010
10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1 . Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the
potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat
in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What
kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will
punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be
able to eat anything.
2 . If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until
someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to
be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over
until someone makes you a plate.
3 . If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their
little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They
are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are
not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling
family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for
any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a
foot off in their asses!
4 . There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE!
We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave
birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that
talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one
minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will
feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for
approximately 20 minutes.
5 . Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If
you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home
6 . BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself
a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it
again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me
catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my
house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE
SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8 . Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house.
This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every
ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call,
your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After
24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!
9 . BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no
sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your
ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT
11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10 . Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen.
I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be
supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount
will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register
at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now
have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted.
NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!
05:47 AM 11/01/2010
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
05:35 PM 10/30/2010
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
08:35 PM 10/27/2010
Hey Sluggo! We liked your bits about BISD needing to add some classes in Beaumont. Here’s some more course catalogs for you.
Southeast Texas Essential Driving Education Classes
Course 101: Using your Turn Signal – It’s There For a Reason
Course 102: How to Wait for An Accident To Clear
Course 103: Freeway Driving – Who’s the Real Moron
Course 104: Freeway Driving – No, You Can’t Make Your Own On Ramp
Course 105: Cell Phones Versus Eyes On The Road
Course 106: Residential Driving – Four Way Stop Means, “STOP!”
Course 107: Residential Driving – Cars Don’t Float or Fly
Course 108: Residential Driving – Where NOT To Park
Course 109: Freeway Driving – It’s Traffic, Not NASCAR
Course 110: Residential Driving – Your GPS, A Tow-Truck, and You.
Course 111: Auto Insurance: Life Saver or Bureaucratic Scam
Course 112: Fuel Economy – MPG Versus OMG!
Course 113: Fuel Economy – Cheap Gas Versus Sputter-Sputter
05:35 AM 10/26/2010
Quote of the week goes to MadMan Maddox...
Regarding the mosque being built near ground zero. I say let them build it. But then, across the street we should put a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot" and next to that a gay bar called "The Turban Cowboy" and next to that a Pork Rib restaurant called "Iraq-O-Ribs" and next to that a check cashing place called "Iran out of Money". Then we'll see who's tolerant.
(Says a lot about our society, doesn't it...)
03:35 AM 10/22/2010
With all the dishing on the Beaumont Independent School District these days, we thought it might be a good idea to offer some ideas for classes on the finer points of area employment and mentality:
Food Service 101: Living on Tips and Minimum Wage
Food Service 102: Edible Chemical Compounds
Food Service 103: Your Attitude Versus Your Tip
Fundamentals of Math 101: Why You Can’t Afford it
Fundamentals of Math 102: Adding the Tax Makes It Cost More
Computer Science 101: It Does More Than Porn
Computer Science 102: Data Mining For Fun and Profit
Computer Science 103: FaceBook Doesn’t Love You
Sociology 101: Your Life Is Not a Reality Show
Sociology 102: Fear and Panic Are Profitable
Sociology 103: Why the Panhandler Makes More than Minimum Wage
Sociology 104: Minimum Wage Means If They Could Pay You Less, They Would
Sociology 105: Table Dancing For Fun and Profit
Home Economics 101: Utilities Are Not Free
Home Economics 102: Why the Baby Can’t Sleep In the Sink
Home Economics 103: Clothes on the Floor – Easy Home Insulation
Home Economics 104: Duct Tape Could Save Your Life
Home Economics 105: Fat People Have Fewer Leftovers
4:01 AM 10/08/2010
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together in a Louisiana factory... and both were laid off. So.....they went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Boudreaux said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.' The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Boudreaux $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Thibodeaux, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.' The clerk looked up diesel fitter.... and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Boudreaux found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.
Wut skill?' yelled Boudreaux. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says, 'Yeah......... DIESEL FITTER'.
11:32 AM 10/2/2010
ROY wants to know, "What are the original MAN LAWS?"... Here ya' go...
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
2. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
3. When questioned by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “BULLSHIT!” (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
12. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, “man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls”.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem - You didn’t see nothin’.
15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend’s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.
16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.
17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends - Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
22. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass whuppin’, then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.
31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
32. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.
34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.
37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
42. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.
46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach, and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it’s free.
47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.
48. If you jiggle more than twice, you’re playing with it.
49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls.
5:48 AM 9/27/2010
Tips for the Entrepreneur of the New Economy... GO!
Jesse Block Sell a 10 pack of Dollar Tree pencils for .25 cents each..
Rename old incandescent light bulbs as a "Classic Fixture" and sell them for $14.99 on late night TV...
Sell crafts made of old CD's at your local craft show and call them "Disco Wear"...
Regrind used coffee grounds and resell it as "Coffee Puree"
Offer TV Viewers a 3-D experience by getting the cable installer to throw things at them from the back of the set... premium service...
10:48 AM 9/26/2010
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
21. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Greybar sends an email...
Towards the end of the golf course,
Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play,
he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!
Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done,
you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life:
better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....
As a matter of fact; you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF...she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING"!
Jenny sends an email...
11 Things you don't learn in School...
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one!!
...and from Dave, an email...
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna lovethis....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
I started a list... Free things to do in Beaumont...
Read old computer manuals found in the dumpster out back.
Daydream about the shapes coming out of the local refinery smoke stacks.
Count the number of cars driving by with visible duct tape on their exteriors.
Re Create a scene from your favorite movie with found card board.
Compete with friends to see who can find the most pennies n a parking lot.
Make wind chimes using found shards of glass and dental floss.
Go to the park and see who can pretend to be a tree the longest.
Start a class teaching your own martial arts fighting style.
Arrange the rocks you find in front of your house from smallest to largest.
Make up “Knock-knock” jokes using an animal as the punch-line.
Get a friend to stand and stare into the sky, then count the number of people who are tiring to see what he’s looking at.
Wrap your head in Tin Foil and sit in a mall rest area waiting for someone to notice.
Count the number of people at the mall wearing “unnecessary sunglasses”.
...an email from Fat Joe this week...
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind....
Aphorism: A short, pointed sentence expressing a wise or clever observation or a general truth; adage.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
20. Always be you because the people that matter, don't mind. And the one's that do mind don't matter.
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8.A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house..
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, dads just work at work..
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
FROM THE EMAIL...
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.
We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49..23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa,swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc ... Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays or a synagogue ride on Saturdays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn , or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
T V broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service... The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...
...You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave..
...You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
...You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
...You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
...Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
...You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
...Every commercial on television has a web -site at the bottom of the screen.
...Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
...You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee
...You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
...You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
...Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
If you are new to this list, or just bored enough to read this, you might know I collect "personal philosophies"...
you can read more of them here... Otherwise, here's a new sample...
"The Ishkabibble Inn"
"Aging Beauty Queens of KYKR"
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were,,, in the middle of the road shaking hands,,,when a truck hit us."
More Things you Probably Didn't Need to Know...
1. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
2. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
3. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.
4. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.
5. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.
6. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.
7. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.
8. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.
9. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.
10. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.
11. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.
12. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.
13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.
14. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.
15. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
16. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.
17. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
18. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired, "Lord, where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That is the State of Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."
God smiled, "Look here. There’s Washington DC . Wait until you see the idiots I put there!!"
04:33 04/14/2010::: Dangit! Nobody sends me any good jokes anymore... I get one more chain letter, I may have to hurt someone...
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM NEVADA COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 150-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers, and prospered. Some years later, they chatted
after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you
know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was
worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just
Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift... The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
If you are new to this list, or just bored enough to read this, you might know I collect "personal philosophies"...
you can read more of them here... Otherwise, here's a sample...
"That's the beauty of the system"...
"'Just such a wonderful person..."
"Can't lose for losing..."
"She's a good waste of D.N.A..."
"You're such a playboy-party, stud-monkey...."
For those of you who have never traveled to the West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the cattle will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their hooves caught between the rails.
A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately.
Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten him out, Vice-President Joe Biden intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage
in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms. Pelosi and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but
will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever
speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one
little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her...
08:05 03/02/2010 Lame... but funny...
During a recent password audit, it was found that this blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long… and include at least one capital.
07:50 02/22/2010 Great Start to the week...
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,Got married last month. Husband knows everything..
"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now - too many security cameras."
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon this huge hole in the ground. They approach it and were amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something in there and listen for how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission over here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and have a listen".
So they pick it up and carry it over to the hole, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, it jumps in head first!
while they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible...... I had him chained to a transmission!
and another one for ya'...
A heartwarming story.
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big boobs."
IMPORTANT EMAIL!!! @ 14:25 01/05/2010
Top 25 Dog and Cat Names of 2009
1. Doogie Schnauzer MD
2. Sargent Sausage
3. I am Sparticus
5. Angus Sir Loin
6. Bam-bam Noodle Butt
7. Mouse Meat
9. Kanye East
10. Inspector Foo Foo
11. Obama Dog
12. Obama Cat
13. Snag L. Tooth
14. Clawed Monet
15. Velvet Elvis
16. Eartha Kitty
17. Blue Man Chew
19. Thurson Picklesworth III
22. Polly Prissypants
24. Buscuit Head
From the email... @ 14:29 12/15/2009
CORPORATE SHAKE-UP: If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a
wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that
he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back
in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A man was driving through town, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
A great email...
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.