EMPLOYER / EMPLOYEE TALK

"A ATTITUDE"
     Means the place is full of phony smiles, office politics,
etc.   because you are required to have some sort of pose.  
Executives probably have hemorrhoids.
"A GROWING GROUP OF"
     Means they haven't hired sufficient people to handle the
current   order backlog. Look out!
"ABILITY TO INTERFACE WITH OTHERS"
     Means that you must be the liaison between two or more
groups of   people who hate each other and would not like to be
together in   the same room. Example: vendor versus users.
"Be a part of the ongoing"
     Means you're going to jump into a project that you didn't
help to   start. Might mean they're late and need to throw personnel
at the problem.
"ENERGETIC AND ENTHUSIASTIC"
      Willingness to accept exploitation naively. "EXTRA EFFORT"
      Lots of unpaid overtime.
"FAST-PACED ENVIRONMENT"
      Not very relaxed.
"FRIENDLY GROUP"
      See "the family".
"GOOD COMMUNICATION"
     Has nothing to do with correct skills grammar, good voice
quality,   or even empathy. I think it means the boss likes your vibes
"GROWTH"
     Phrase used by start-up companies Usually means the place
is a   sweat shop.
"KEY PART OF PROJECT"
     A way of making you feel important so that you can justify
being   burned out to yourself.
"OUTDATED METHODOLOGIES"
      Methods of other companies.
"STATE-OF-THE-ART"
      What us, the good guys, do.
"TEAM ENVIRONMENT"
      No privacy and too many meetings.
"THE FAMILY"
      You socialize with work cronies or else get ostracized "A
DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
      We booze it up at company parties.
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:"
     You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"
  You whine, you're fired.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:"
     We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in
hell   we'll be the next Microsoft.
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:"   
	We loooooove brown-nosers.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
     We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:"
     Unless you wasted those four years studying something
useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
  We have a lot of turnover.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
      We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
      Anyone in the office can boss you around. 
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:"
      You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. 
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:"
     You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:"   Guys in gray suits
	will bore you with tales of squash and their   weekends on yachts.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"
  	Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
      Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. 
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
     	Management communicates, you listen,
  	figure out what they want and do.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
     The person who used to have this job gave notice a month
ago.   We're just now running the ad.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:"
      We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "JOIN OUR
FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
     We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce
yourself to your coworkers.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
      You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
      We have no quality control.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"
     Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't
done anything innovative since.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
       We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just
a legal formality.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:"
     After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and,
if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
      You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"
       Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. 
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
     You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,   without
the pay or respect.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:"
  We'll offer you $22k to start.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"   We're not going
to supply you with leads; there's no base salary;
      you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
      You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"
     ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our  
internship-level salaries.
"SELF-MOTIVATED:"
  Management won't answer questions
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
      Some time each night and some time each weekend. 
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:"
      If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:"
     After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500
	deductible and a $25 co-pay.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:"
      Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
	social misfit --- both types that companies love to exploit

Now that you've sifted through the jungle of job ads, what's next? The
first thing to do is put together a resume with a lot of "POWER
PHRASES!" To help you in this endeavor, this little list has been
compiled to show that you speak the same lingo as potential employers
speak.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
  I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:"
  I'm never at my desk.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:"
      I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. 
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
      I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:"
     I've been accused of sexual harassment.
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"   I'm usually on
	Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of   cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"   Like, I'm gonna hold my
	breath waiting for your stupid form   letter thanking me for my
	interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
      I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
      I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:"
      I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. 
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
      I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
      I carry a Day-Timer.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
      The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. 
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
      I pilfer office supplies.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
      I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
      As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. 
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
      You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
      I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
     Wait! Don't throw me away!

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying
in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she
keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright. 

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date. 

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily. 

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated. 

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law. 

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement. 

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors. 

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited. 

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors. 

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors. 

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk. 

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut. 

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job. 

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused. 

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college. 

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together. 

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life. 

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared. 

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker. 

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice. 

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky. 

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob. 

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes. 

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn. 

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward. 

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid. 

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time. 

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else. 

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip. 

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed. 

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way. 

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do. 

HAPPY:
Paid too much. 

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork. 

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. 

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass. 

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management. 

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please. 

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher. 

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. 

USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delagates everything. 

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.