You know you're drinking too much coffee when... 

you answer the door before people knock. 

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 

you ski uphill. 

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. 

you haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. 

you lick your coffeepot clean. 

your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 

you chew on other people's fingernails. 

your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's 
blend." 

you can type 60 words per minute ... with your feet. 

you can jump-start your car without cables. 

all your kids are named "Joe." 

you don't need a hammer to pound nails. 

your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." 

you don't sweat, you percolate. 

you buy Half & Half by the barrel. 

you've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. 

you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. 

you've built a miniature city out of little plastic 
stirrers. 

people get dizzy just watching you. 

you've worn the finish off your coffee table. 

the Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. 

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. 

your taste buds are so numb you could drink your 
lava lamp. 

instant coffee takes too long. 

your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 

you're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean 
beer. 

you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 

you short out motion detectors. 

you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 

your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. 

you think being called a "drip" is a compliment. 

you don't tan, you roast. 

you can't even remember your second cup. 

you help your dog chase its tail.